Part of Muntjac Issue 2: Insurgency & Counter Insurgency
Note: This guide is intended only as polite recommendation because we would not tell anyone what to do, obviously. Please use with caution.
Step one:
Wake up. You did it. Well done.
Step two:
Feed cat.
Step three:
Do your morning meditation and set your intention for today (insurrection).
Step four:
Make a cup of tea or coffee, and a big healthy breakfast. You’ll need the energy.
Step five:
Gather your things. Take your emotional support squishy and/or crystal which you have charged under the full moon light and put it safely in your pocket.
Step six:
Don’t forget the rifle.
Step seven:
Make your way to the local library where you and your fellow insurrectionists are gathering. Go over the plan together. You start to feel a little anxious, but gain quiet confidence because while everyone else was out partying you have been sitting in the comfort of your own home perfecting reloading rounds in record speed.
Step eight:
As you reach for your phone to put it in the safe box [1], you see a notification. It’s your astrology app telling you to seek guidance from the ancestors. This is less zen than it sounds and is a little bit stressful actually because your communist grandparents who fought in the independence war back home would be so disappointed in you if this fails. Use that shame as fuel.
Step nine:
Head over to the insurrection. Today we are seizing and commoning land “owned” by the elderly gentleman who lives in the Grade II-listed estate down the valley, the one with the big pond with the fountain in it. You feel kind of bad because he’s actually nice to you when you do his gardening, plus he’s got arthritis and has been looking especially sad and lonely since his pet praying mantis Pedro died. Then you remember he’s wealth-hoarding landed gentry who must be overthrown.
Step ten:
Of course the motherfucker calls the cops. This is okay because you are prepared. Do not talk to cops, which is easy because you are Gifted and Talented at not talking to anyone.
Step eleven:
Outgunned, the cops call in the army. The regiment arrives but they are paralysed. No one in living memory has experience with anarchists successfully organising anything remotely close to a mutual aid project without everyone falling out and never speaking to each other again, let alone an armed insurrection [2]. They capitulate in confusion.
Step twelve:
We win. Darren [2b] gives you a high-five. You glance at your watch and realise it’s not even two o’clock. Join the rest of your comrades who have taken over Alastair’s [3] kitchen and cook a massive community meal onhisour Aga.
Step thirteen:
Finish lunch and politely take leave so you can go and have your afternoon nap.
Step fourteen:
Nap.
Step fifteen:
Wake up from nap.
Step sixteen:
Normally you would spend the rest of the evening reading the book/pamphlet/zine you picked up at the last Anarchist Book Fair but decide you will make an exception since it is the insurrection after all so you muster all strength to go down the pub. You are more nervous about this than about the insurrection. There, you find everyone liberated from the surrounding villages celebrating. You surprise yourself by cheering and, for two regrettable seconds, dancing. For the fourth time in your adult life, you enjoy the presence of others.
Step seventeen:
Lol who are you kidding. You decide you have stayed at the insurrection party long enough to be socially acceptable and quietly weave your way out the door. Step outside. The night sky is clear and the stars are bright. Take a deep breath and smile.
Step eighteen:
Go home, feed Luciente [4], and get ready for bed.
Step nineteen:
Fall deeply asleep, dreaming of more insurrections to come.
[1] Never take a smartphone to an action, obviously.
[2] Last time, Darren [2b] forgot the Twitter password to update the event poster so everyone showed up three days late.
[2b] Not his government name.
[3] Sorry I forgot to tell you his name earlier but it doesn’t matter anyway because he has fled never to be seen again.
[4] Your cat.