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poet of da soil – nu year nu me(?)

Posted on 30/01/2025 - 30/01/2025 by muntjac

https://poetofdasoil.substack.com/p/nu-year-nu-me?

for as long as eye can remember i’ve had dreams of my own funeral

of tha tears ppl wept for me – idk what it meant 2 wish for your own death so regularly

but eye do remember leading bible study groups at 16

and being bothered by cults who wanted control over what their yutes were hearing

and eye do remember church events where i’m called 2 tha front and prophecies come out that i’m going 2 be a leader (they want me 2 inherit my grandpas church sooo bad)

faith/spirituality/(G)god have been apart of my life 4 Eva. eye breathe theological musings like eye breathe oxygen. i’ve seen faith carry my family through the most absurd and ridiculous challenges and tha most mundane of moments.

my relationship with tha Divine has always been one of hatred, disgust, desire and hope(?) yeah it’s complicated


 

bap bap bap

 

eye am riddled with contradictions and they make it hard 2 walk

and eye have tried 2 alleviate it

be it thru tha loud or scriptures

thru quetiapine or my headphones

nostalgia and grief are twins

so eye whisper “never again” thinking back 2 tha times i’ve harmed loved ones

eye whisper apologies 2 an inner child that neva got 2 fly

nostalgia and grief are twins who eye cherish dearly

but right now im tryna figure out a politik of despair

because hope makes me nauseous and feels like a fool’s gambit

tryna figure out how 2 transform these immobilising feelings about life on dis dunya

into action

how 2 move in tha now – relying on how my ancestors moved tomorrow

they say we borrow tha earth from our children eye ask why all our proverbs leave us with debt(?)

is that all we will ever be(?) black bodies swimming with a loan shark called history

maybe death, like pain is not out 2 harm us

maybe, like pain it simply wants acknowledgement and recognition

what does it mean 2 acknowledge eye am dead and dying each day

maybe that in itself is life that lasts forever


 

 

anyways i’m thinking back 2 prophecies and bible passages

and how we give everything 2 god without appreciating it is our hands that bring forth creation and destruction

eye am here cold, and in love with so much while feeling pregnant with rage.

thinking about everything eye am

all my flaws and glories,

tha kindness and passion my ppl say they see in me

and tha ways in which eye am quick 2 anger and destructively impulsive

everything eye am is mine 2 have, 2 hold and 2 be

eye am not owned by dis dunya and its ways of rendering blackness as death

not redeemed by tha blood of another

not under tha lordship of some higher power

everything eye am is mine 2 have, hold and be

and there’s power in realising that

so yeah eye commune w yeshua, chat 2 him about his ppl and how much they hate waywardness

sometimes he grimaces and shrugs when eye cuss him out

sometimes he smiles

and eye pour one out 4 my ancestors when eye can

they greet me with necklaces made from flowers and fire

in tha night they come as shadows 2 remind me everything is alive and must be fought for

that everything that is dis world must die 4 tha earth 2 be

and when i’m praying salat im not praying 2 a god in tha sky or outside of myself

im praying 2 a god that can only be known as praxis

as mau mau

as breaking thru hmp walls and freeing em all

as tha burning of money

and communion with tha land

im praying 2 a god that is wholly within me and moves through me, a god wholly within you, and tha air we breathe, tha trees and tha rocks

a god who looks a lot like self-determination + self-sovereignty

a lot like truth and justice

a lot like negation and nihilism and death and freedom and whatever these words mean

so that submission, that bowing of my head in prayer is not 2 some higher being

but 2 place myself in a space, in communion with something eye cannot adequately name, that eye know in some form

that eye experience as divinity, as islam, as ori mi, as crucifixion and resurrection and lust and ugliness and whatever there is, and whatever there isn’t

whenever eye war against babylon be it in my spirit, body or tha world we live in

eye am scared no one will war with me

but eye guess

that’s where faith comes in.

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"Anarchists know that a long period of education must precede any great fundamental change in society, hence they do not believe in vote-begging, nor political campaigns, but rather in the development of self-thinking individuals."

Lucy Parsons - The Principles Of Anarchism, 1905

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