https://poetofdasoil.substack.com/p/nu-year-nu-me?
for as long as eye can remember i’ve had dreams of my own funeral
of tha tears ppl wept for me – idk what it meant 2 wish for your own death so regularly
but eye do remember leading bible study groups at 16
and being bothered by cults who wanted control over what their yutes were hearing
and eye do remember church events where i’m called 2 tha front and prophecies come out that i’m going 2 be a leader (they want me 2 inherit my grandpas church sooo bad)
faith/spirituality/(G)god have been apart of my life 4 Eva. eye breathe theological musings like eye breathe oxygen. i’ve seen faith carry my family through the most absurd and ridiculous challenges and tha most mundane of moments.
my relationship with tha Divine has always been one of hatred, disgust, desire and hope(?) yeah it’s complicated
eye am riddled with contradictions and they make it hard 2 walk
and eye have tried 2 alleviate it
be it thru tha loud or scriptures
thru quetiapine or my headphones
nostalgia and grief are twins
so eye whisper “never again” thinking back 2 tha times i’ve harmed loved ones
eye whisper apologies 2 an inner child that neva got 2 fly
nostalgia and grief are twins who eye cherish dearly
but right now im tryna figure out a politik of despair
because hope makes me nauseous and feels like a fool’s gambit
tryna figure out how 2 transform these immobilising feelings about life on dis dunya
into action
how 2 move in tha now – relying on how my ancestors moved tomorrow
they say we borrow tha earth from our children eye ask why all our proverbs leave us with debt(?)
is that all we will ever be(?) black bodies swimming with a loan shark called history
maybe death, like pain is not out 2 harm us
maybe, like pain it simply wants acknowledgement and recognition
what does it mean 2 acknowledge eye am dead and dying each day
maybe that in itself is life that lasts forever
anyways i’m thinking back 2 prophecies and bible passages
and how we give everything 2 god without appreciating it is our hands that bring forth creation and destruction
eye am here cold, and in love with so much while feeling pregnant with rage.
thinking about everything eye am
all my flaws and glories,
tha kindness and passion my ppl say they see in me
and tha ways in which eye am quick 2 anger and destructively impulsive
everything eye am is mine 2 have, 2 hold and 2 be
eye am not owned by dis dunya and its ways of rendering blackness as death
not redeemed by tha blood of another
not under tha lordship of some higher power
everything eye am is mine 2 have, hold and be
and there’s power in realising that
so yeah eye commune w yeshua, chat 2 him about his ppl and how much they hate waywardness
sometimes he grimaces and shrugs when eye cuss him out
sometimes he smiles
and eye pour one out 4 my ancestors when eye can
they greet me with necklaces made from flowers and fire
in tha night they come as shadows 2 remind me everything is alive and must be fought for
that everything that is dis world must die 4 tha earth 2 be
and when i’m praying salat im not praying 2 a god in tha sky or outside of myself
im praying 2 a god that can only be known as praxis
as mau mau
as breaking thru hmp walls and freeing em all
as tha burning of money
and communion with tha land
im praying 2 a god that is wholly within me and moves through me, a god wholly within you, and tha air we breathe, tha trees and tha rocks
a god who looks a lot like self-determination + self-sovereignty
a lot like truth and justice
a lot like negation and nihilism and death and freedom and whatever these words mean
so that submission, that bowing of my head in prayer is not 2 some higher being
but 2 place myself in a space, in communion with something eye cannot adequately name, that eye know in some form
that eye experience as divinity, as islam, as ori mi, as crucifixion and resurrection and lust and ugliness and whatever there is, and whatever there isn’t
whenever eye war against babylon be it in my spirit, body or tha world we live in
eye am scared no one will war with me
but eye guess
that’s where faith comes in.